Weekly Smile – The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf

                    

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer  mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

 Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,”  and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win..

 Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the
 rest of your sex life?”

 “Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no  sex life.”

“Nice to meet you, “the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

 

Weekly Smile – New School Exit Exam!

You only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

 

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s-hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

 

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

No, googling is not allowed

 

 

ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel’s-hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8)  What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

 

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

The English Language….Food For Thought

 

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if  Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

And if  people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.

And let’s not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that’s another story.

Relevant To Us All In These Times – Weekly Smile

Need A Raise?  Read On…………

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years

Boss: Yes.

 

Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.

 

I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

 

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss:Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

 

Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

 

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

 

 

Ain’t that the truth these days!

Unbelievable Court Judgements! – Weekly Smile

I don’t know if these are true, but they DO make for funny reading!

 

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and
successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased
coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one
could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for
the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the
kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head
scratcher handy

Here are the Stellas for this past year — 2011

*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hub caps.

Scratch some more…

* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he
had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson,
the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because
the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled
it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case
of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s
insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury
said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are
more…

Double hand scratching after this one..

*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the
Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though
the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not
get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might
have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with
a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink
was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being
responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching…

*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh,
yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll …

* FIRST PLACE *
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home.
On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to
the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a
sandwich not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed
and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave
the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury
awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit,
just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a
motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost
ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on!!!

Growing Old Is Hell – A Slightly Naughty But Funny Weekly Smile!

OLD people  have problems that you haven’t
even considered yet!  
   
An 85-year-old man was requested by his  
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take
this jar home and bring back a semen  sample
tomorrow.’  

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared
at the doctor’s office and gave him the  jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the  
previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..

‘Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still  nothing.  

‘She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your  
neighbor?’    
 
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.’

You Gotta Love The RAF! – Weekly Smile

 

 

Conversation allegedly overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai ..

 Iranian Air Defence Site:   ‘Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.’  

Aircraft:   ‘This is a British aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.’  

Air Defence Site:   ‘You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!’  

Aircraft:   ‘This is a Royal Air Force GR4 Tornado fighter. Send ’em up, I’ll wait!’  

Air Defence Site:   ( …. total silence)  

You gotta love the RAF!

Let’s Play Spot The Tractor -TractorTastic!

Typical, you wait days for a sighting of a single tractor, then 20 come along at once!

BabyMibs and I spotted this bunch whilst out on our travels today!

Note To Self…. Be Specific! – Joke

Wife by text to husband at work …“Windows at home frozen – what should I do?”

Husband – “spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them”

Wife a few minutes later – “Done that – now computer won’t work at all”!

Best of 2012 April Fools Gags

 These are just a few of the many April Fool’s gags worldwide this year, it’s heartening to note that despite all the tough times, companies and people can rally round to give us all a laugh!

Enjoy!

The rather funny “BBC” end of the world gag

 http://gothamist.com/2012/04/01/bbc_successfully_trolls_april_fools.php

 

Peugeot’s Mood Paint colour changing car ( mine would always be red lol)

 http://www.peugeot.co.uk/about-peugeot/news/jan12-mar12/rcz-mood-paint/

 

 Skype For String anyone?

 http://www.iphoneincanada.ca/how-to/skype-introduces-skype-for-string-make-free-calls-without-any-internet-connection/

 

Firebox’s DubStepladder

 http://www.firebox.com/product/5312/Dubstepladder

 

Sony launch the world’s smallest computer, the size of a coin!

 http://discover.store.sony.com/q/sony_content.html

  

Google’s very own self-driving NASCARS’s

 http://www.google.com/racing/

 

 Honda’s new anti-theft negotiator device! ( this one is really funny!)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpSh-uG703A

 

Hello Tosh, got a nice Shaped Toshiba Tablet?

 http://us.toshiba.com/shapes

  

A new Green Tax on Champagne!

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2123340/Bubbly-tax-After-furore-VAT-hot-pasties-Osborne-puts-green-levy-champagne-drinkers.html

  

Virgin launch trips to the centre of the Earth via your choice of volcano!

 http://www.virginvolcanic.com/

 

O2’s very long-lasting new phone…talk for 1,000 hours!

 http://blog.o2.co.uk/home/2012/04/the-smartphone-revolution-goes-on-on.html

  

Hungry Hippos launched for iPad

 http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/looflirpa/ee0b/?pfm=AprilFools_homepage_Featured_6_ee0b

  

Multi mouse functionality for your pc!

 https://www.google.com/intl/en/chrome/multitask.html

  

Arsenal launching a new Emirates Stadium fragrance! ( ewwk)

 http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4231953/Arsenal-launch-new-fragrance-that-smells-of-Emirates-Stadium.html

 

 Kodak’s range of “print your own” starting with live kittens!

 http://www.kodak.com/ek/US/en/Home.htm

  

Time-travel Timebar from Reddit!

 http://blog.reddit.com/2012/03/introducing-reddit-timeline.html

   

Sending emails from your phone by Morse Code? Introducing Gmail Tap!

 http://mail.google.com/mail/help/promos/tap/index.html

  

PC Multi-tasking the Google way!

 http://chrome.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/new-way-to-multitask.html

  

Fancy 175 delivery trucks arriving at your home with films for you? See the YouTube Collection for further details

 http://www.youtube.com/theyoutubecollection

 

Anyone fancy a 42” iPad?

 http://www.stuff.tv/video/reviews/42in-apple-ipad-exclusive-video-preview

 

 Toshiba’s new 3D Monacle

 http://us.toshiba.com/spectacle/

 

 Happy Monday’s star to advise the UK Government? Lol

 http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/apr/01/cameron-shaun-ryder-advise-tories

  

Police launch Hosepipe Amnesty

 http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/amnesty-for-hosepipe-owners-as-drought-bites-7606223.html

   

Lynx launch a super new spray app

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM5bCgP479c

  

Hopping Google Mapmakers new Google Street Roo anyone?

 http://google-au.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/google-street-roo-exploring-outback-one.html#!/2012/04/google-street-roo-exploring-outback-one.html

  

 Barbie Digital Fashion Styling Head for iPad

 http://www.geekalerts.com/barbie-digital-fashion-styling-head-for-ipad/