Tag Archives: Laughs

Weekly Smile – The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf

                    

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer  mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

 Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,”  and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win..

 Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the
 rest of your sex life?”

 “Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no  sex life.”

“Nice to meet you, “the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

 

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Weekly Smile – New School Exit Exam!

You only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

 

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s-hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

 

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

No, googling is not allowed

 

 

ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel’s-hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8)  What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

 

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

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The World Debt Crisis Explained……….

A Dummies Guide to the Debt Crisis

This is the clearest explanation I’ve heard regarding the debt crisis and the credit bottleneck that is stifling the world’s economy.

Helga is the proprietor of a bar. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now , but pay later.

 Helga keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers’ loans).

Word gets around about Helga’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Helga’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in town.

 By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands Helga gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer – the most consumed beverages.

 Consequently, Helga’s gross sales volumes and paper profits increase massively. A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Helga’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

 He is rewarded with a six figure bonus.

 At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These “securities” are then bundled and traded on international securities markets.

 Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as “AA Secured Bonds” are really debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses

The traders all receive a six figure bonus.

 One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Helga’s bar. He so informs Helga. Helga then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons but, being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Helga cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Helga’s 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

 The suppliers of Helga’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations; her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

 Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

They all receive six a figure bonus.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who’ve never been in Helga’s bar.

 Now do you understand?

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Relevant To Us All In These Times – Weekly Smile

Need A Raise?  Read On…………

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years


Boss
: Yes.

 

Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.

 

I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.


Boss
: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

 

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.


Boss
:Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

 

Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!


Boss
: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

 

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

 

 

Ain’t that the truth these days!

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Unbelievable Court Judgements! – Weekly Smile

I don’t know if these are true, but they DO make for funny reading!

 

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and
successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased
coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one
could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for
the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the
kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head
scratcher handy

Here are the Stellas for this past year — 2011

*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hub caps.

Scratch some more…

* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he
had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson,
the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because
the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled
it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case
of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s
insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury
said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are
more…

Double hand scratching after this one..

*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the
Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though
the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not
get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might
have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with
a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink
was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being
responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching…

*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh,
yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll …

* FIRST PLACE *
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home.
On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to
the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a
sandwich not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed
and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave
the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury
awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit,
just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a
motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost
ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on!!!

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Growing Old Is Hell – A Slightly Naughty But Funny Weekly Smile!

OLD people  have problems that you haven’t
even considered yet!  
   
An 85-year-old man was requested by his  
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take
this jar home and bring back a semen  sample
tomorrow.’  

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared
at the doctor’s office and gave him the  jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the  
previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..

‘Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still  nothing.  

‘She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your  
neighbor?’    
 
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.’

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You Gotta Love The RAF! – Weekly Smile

 
 
Conversation allegedly overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai ..

 Iranian Air Defence Site:   ‘Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.’  

Aircraft:
   ‘This is a British aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.’  

Air Defence Site:
   ‘You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!’  

Aircraft:
   ‘This is a Royal Air Force GR4 Tornado fighter. Send ’em up, I’ll wait!’  

Air Defence Site:
   ( …. total silence)  

You gotta love the RAF!

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