R.I.P My Beautiful Little Man Andre – Pt 4

     Prelude         Part 1       Part 2      Part 3     Part 5

 That fateful Sunday morning finally came around…after what seemed like an eternity of trying to act normally mainly for BabyMibs sake ( my now four year old firstborn son).

I got a few clothes together, and got to the hospital, even remembering to stop at a shop on the way for a box of chocolates for the midwife!

 Isn’t it really strange what you remember to do at times like these, I mean, I have had to attend some three funerals in my entire lifetime….and always wondered at those oh-so-organised widows who seem so prepared and unruffled………..well, since Andre I know exactly what it feels like.

Am currently sat here on a Friday night, listening to some fantastic chill-out Euphoria music, really wanting a drinkie and only having to hand some really nasty non-alcoholic grape crap that I have doctored with leftover voddy from Xmas, and kind of wishing that I hadn’t started these postings…BUT……………I am digressing again…

 Once at the hospital, still in a daze of sorts, scared yet also glad the whole episode would soon be over, knowing that the baby inside me was dead was something of a really surreal feeling..I had really hoped that all those experts were wrong but somehow also knew that they weren’t.

When I had BabyMibs, I chose a homebirth with no drugs, my only concession then was some gas and air, this time I wanted the experience over with as fast and easily as possible so opted for whatever they could give me, which owing to events progressing so fast after their “induction” wasn’t a great deal, some injection in my leg and more gas and air. Indeed the whole giving-birth episode lasted a mere two and three-quarter hours, although at the time it felt like an eternity.

 It has to be said that the staff present ( and for some reason there seemed to be rather a lot of them, 5 that I remember), were all very pleasant and understanding given the circumstances, bar one lady in a suit who appeared right at the moment of birth with a handful of papers she wanted me to sign with regards to some testing and possible organ donation!

I really wanted to scream at her, but somehow even through the pain, and believe me childbirth is bliddy painful, I remained polite.

 I remember the actual birth, and not wanting to hold him, I remember rushing downstairs in my flimsy nightie for my first cigarette for months ( I know, weak minded me) and regretting that the instant I stood there outside alongside another single mom who had just given birth successfully and was happily telling all and sundry about it. And I remember rushing straight back upstairs, dressing and getting the hell out of there as fast as I could. All I wanted to do was get home by then, and once home, all I did was sleep for the rest of the day!

 I did go back the next day for a viewing, where the wonderful staff had dressed Andre and displayed him in a cot for me to say goodbye to properly. I still couldn’t hold him though, and just sat next to him, gently rocking him and trying to sing a lullaby ( something I was never any good at with BabyMibs, so I have no idea what possessed me to try it then!)

The same staff had taken some photos for me to keep, and cut a lock of his hair, and even done hand and footprints for me, which I am grateful for, but have only managed to look at today!

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4 Comments

Filed under Meet The Family, RIP Andre

4 responses to “R.I.P My Beautiful Little Man Andre – Pt 4

  1. Looking at those things- good that you can do that now. The writing must have been healing in some way. Loads of hugs, Mibs. You have such courage to face writing this down.

    • Only took me 3 1/2 years to get around to it, thank you for the hugs, and it wasn’t courage, was more like some odd feeling of guilt heavily laced with a couple bottles of wine for dutch courage!

  2. Jen

    I’m so sorry. I miscarried my daughter the first time. The pain of miscarrying was awful, and all I could think of was, “God, keep this baby safe, but if it wasn’t mean to be don’t let it be born and then die, or let it be still-born”. I”m sor sorry you have to go through this. I can’t imagine the pain.

  3. Cathy

    I’ve read the four posts… and just wanted to say thank you… and send you a great big hug. I’ll join you in the drinkie, here’s to wee Andre – sweet dreams little angel!

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