Once home, I encountered the first part of the prejudice that seems to surround the taboo subject of stillbirth…I have to admit I have only come across this once before with a work colleague, and am myself guilty of that awkward not knowing what to say moment.
I logged into my favourite online website, the one with the ducks in charge, and asked a couple of questions on there, knowing that some of the peeps in those forums had some medical knowledge and hoping against hope that my doctors had it all wrong.
Lots of folks there were very sympathetic and supportive…and then I got ONE poster who made a really horrible comment which kinda broke me in two, as I really had NO-ONE else to talk
to…Andre’s father was busy getting consoled by his new girlfriend, my mom bless her,( too far away to give me a hug), took a very pragmatic approach, which I don’t in the least blame her for, bearing in mind I had BabyMibs already to think about, a loser of an on-off partner, my employer at the time had fired me because of Andre’s appearance, you name it nothing else was going right.
I spent the next few hours that same day ringing everyone family and authorities ( I was claiming some benefits for him then) who needed to know.
The hospital midwife called me back that same afternoon to arrange a “convenient” time for me to go back in and be induced, which I put off until the following Sunday, still blindly hoping they were wrong, and buying myself some time to sort out where exactly BabyMibs was going to spend his time whilst I was away.
The next few days passed in a kind of horrible blur, I couldn’t eat, found it near impossible to sleep, the only reason I had to actually do anything was BabyMibs, bless him, he kept coming over to me and giving me huge hugs, and if one more person at that point had come up to me and asked how the pregnancy was going, I swear murder was NOT far from my mind at that point.
About the only real life ( as in not on-line) person who seemed to have any idea how I was feeling was my ex’x sister, unfortunately all she managed to achieve right then was to make me feel guilty for upsetting her! (Not her intention I hasten to add, it became obvious that she had been through a similar experience and fantastic though she was with me, I couldn’t help feeling bad for making her go through it all again!)
Finally, after what seemed like an age, that fateful Sunday came around…………….