R.I.P My Beautiful Little Man Andre – Pt 5

    Prelude             Part 1       Part 2      Part 3     Part 4

 The next three weeks that I had to wait for the powers-that-be to complete Andre’s autopsy were a bit of a nightmare haze to be honest. I had to go to a funeral parlour and sort that out, ( a totally new experience for me), with me really wanting the very best and not having the funds to do even that for him!

The slowly put-off but once decided, duly executed in one day decision to donate all the baby clothes and equipment I had gotten ready to folks on Freecycle………

The eventual funeral itself, a drizzly grey day, no attendees except myself and an unusually well-behaved at the time BabyMibs…..I carried Baby Andre’s tiny coffin from the hearse to the grave, and BabyMibs carried a single white rose for him.

No fanfare, no fuss, my darling Andre went to heaven as quickly and as quietly as he had arrived in my life some months earlier.

The hardest thing to come to terms with for me I think was the fact that the autopsy showed no reason for what happened at all, he looked absolutely perfect and I have been given no real answers.

Now, this last part goes out to anyone out there who has gone through or may be going through the same situation………….

I cannot even bring myself to visit his grave, let alone look at the photographs I have, it doesn’t mean I don’t think of him every day, it’s just the odd way I am dealing with it. However you feel, whatever you wish to do, GO AHEAD and do NOT feel guilty.

Above all, DO try to find someone to talk to about it if you can, I think that would have made my life a lot easier at the time if just one of my friends had sat and talked ( and yes, I know there are “groups” out there, but for me that’s not what I needed)

To all those who know someone in this situation, please do offer to listen, and try offering again several times after you get turned down…………do remember that when all goes well, everyone is happy to speak about the new arrival, buy clothes, toys etc, yet when it all goes wrong, that is the loneliest place an expectant mother/father/couple can ever be in.

Especially when the Doctors Surgery calls after a month asking you to bring your newborn in for a checkup!

Even if you cannot talk to them, at the very least, go hug them, hold their hands, something other than change the subject or avoid them.

That’s about all I have in me to say folks, thank you for bearing with me, I do so hope I haven’t depressed anyone too much, and hope that if I can change the whole mindset around these sad events even just a little bit then it was worth it.

R.I.P My Beautiful Little Man Andre – Pt 4

     Prelude         Part 1       Part 2      Part 3     Part 5

 That fateful Sunday morning finally came around…after what seemed like an eternity of trying to act normally mainly for BabyMibs sake ( my now four year old firstborn son).

I got a few clothes together, and got to the hospital, even remembering to stop at a shop on the way for a box of chocolates for the midwife!

 Isn’t it really strange what you remember to do at times like these, I mean, I have had to attend some three funerals in my entire lifetime….and always wondered at those oh-so-organised widows who seem so prepared and unruffled………..well, since Andre I know exactly what it feels like.

Am currently sat here on a Friday night, listening to some fantastic chill-out Euphoria music, really wanting a drinkie and only having to hand some really nasty non-alcoholic grape crap that I have doctored with leftover voddy from Xmas, and kind of wishing that I hadn’t started these postings…BUT……………I am digressing again…

 Once at the hospital, still in a daze of sorts, scared yet also glad the whole episode would soon be over, knowing that the baby inside me was dead was something of a really surreal feeling..I had really hoped that all those experts were wrong but somehow also knew that they weren’t.

When I had BabyMibs, I chose a homebirth with no drugs, my only concession then was some gas and air, this time I wanted the experience over with as fast and easily as possible so opted for whatever they could give me, which owing to events progressing so fast after their “induction” wasn’t a great deal, some injection in my leg and more gas and air. Indeed the whole giving-birth episode lasted a mere two and three-quarter hours, although at the time it felt like an eternity.

 It has to be said that the staff present ( and for some reason there seemed to be rather a lot of them, 5 that I remember), were all very pleasant and understanding given the circumstances, bar one lady in a suit who appeared right at the moment of birth with a handful of papers she wanted me to sign with regards to some testing and possible organ donation!

I really wanted to scream at her, but somehow even through the pain, and believe me childbirth is bliddy painful, I remained polite.

 I remember the actual birth, and not wanting to hold him, I remember rushing downstairs in my flimsy nightie for my first cigarette for months ( I know, weak minded me) and regretting that the instant I stood there outside alongside another single mom who had just given birth successfully and was happily telling all and sundry about it. And I remember rushing straight back upstairs, dressing and getting the hell out of there as fast as I could. All I wanted to do was get home by then, and once home, all I did was sleep for the rest of the day!

 I did go back the next day for a viewing, where the wonderful staff had dressed Andre and displayed him in a cot for me to say goodbye to properly. I still couldn’t hold him though, and just sat next to him, gently rocking him and trying to sing a lullaby ( something I was never any good at with BabyMibs, so I have no idea what possessed me to try it then!)

The same staff had taken some photos for me to keep, and cut a lock of his hair, and even done hand and footprints for me, which I am grateful for, but have only managed to look at today!

R.I.P My Beautiful Little Man Andre – Pt 3

   Prelude        Part 1       Part 2      Part 4     Part 5

 Once home, I encountered the first part of the prejudice that seems to surround the taboo subject of stillbirth…I have to admit I have only come across this once before with a work colleague, and am myself guilty of that awkward not knowing what to say moment.

 I logged into my favourite online website, the one with the ducks in charge, and asked a couple of questions on there, knowing that some of the peeps in those forums had some medical knowledge and hoping against hope that my doctors had it all wrong.

 Lots of folks there were very sympathetic and supportive…and then I got ONE poster who made a really horrible comment which kinda broke me in two, as I really had NO-ONE else to talk

to…Andre’s father was busy getting consoled by his new girlfriend, my mom bless her,( too far away to give me a hug), took a very pragmatic approach, which I don’t in the least blame her for, bearing in mind I had BabyMibs already to think about, a loser of an on-off partner, my employer at the time had fired me because of Andre’s appearance, you name it nothing else was going right.

I spent the next few hours that same day ringing everyone family and authorities ( I was claiming some benefits for him then) who needed to know.

 The hospital midwife called me back that same afternoon to arrange a “convenient” time for me to go back in and be induced, which I put off until the following Sunday, still blindly hoping they were wrong, and buying myself some time to sort out where exactly BabyMibs was going to spend his time whilst I was away.

 The next few days passed in a kind of horrible blur, I couldn’t eat, found it near impossible to sleep, the only reason I had to actually do anything was BabyMibs, bless him, he kept coming over to me and giving me huge hugs, and if one more person at that point had come up to me and asked how the pregnancy was going, I swear murder was NOT far from my mind at that point.

About the only real life ( as in not on-line) person who seemed to have any idea how I was feeling was my ex’x sister, unfortunately all she managed to achieve right then was to make me feel guilty for upsetting her! (Not her intention I hasten to add, it became obvious that she had been through a similar experience and fantastic though she was with me, I couldn’t help feeling bad for making her go through it all again!)

 Finally, after what seemed like an age, that fateful Sunday came around…………….

R.I.P My Beautiful Little Man Andre – Pt 2

 Prelude   Part 1     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5

Ok, here goes……………….

Three years ago, on the 4^th May 2008, my beautiful son Andre was stillborn at full term. I have no idea of his birthweight as no-one actually weighed him at the time. I also have no idea as to why he didn’t make it, he appeared to be perfectly formed and the autopsy didn’t show any obvious cause, so they told me some seven weeks later as I was not allowed to actually read the autopsy report! ( guys exact words were “you will not understand it dear!”)

 He was something of a total surprise to me, since BabyMibs was born I had actually only “done the deed “ once, and that was whilst slightly drunk and feeling sorry for my single momsy self, not to mention the stupid hope that BabyMib’s Dad would actually want to give up his single lifestyle and settle down!

Nevertheless, once informed at 5 mths gone, I did everything right, exercised gently, walked lots, tried to eat fairly well etc, and everything appeared to be going really smoothly. I DID feel a lot sicker the second time around, and by 8 mths I seriously couldn’t bend down at all, everything hurt too much, but all scans and midwife trips seemed to be fine.

It got to a week, a Tuesday, before his due date of 6th May 2008, and I had a standard last minute Midwife clinic check-up, you know, the one where they press down hard on your belly ( to this day I still don’t know why they do that, same midwife did the same with BabyMibs ) and have a listen, and after applying that horrible cold gel to my expanded belly, she made a call to the hospital, no reason given to me, to book some appointment, to her credit she tried to get me in that day but seemed to get fobbed off for two days.

She told me that it was a routine last minute scan………..conveniently forgetting that I had already had BabyMibs and kinda knew it was far from routine, BUT as I could still feel Andre kicking merrily if painfully away, I didn’t allow myself to stress too much.

Come Thursday, I was even more tired than I had already been, and trooped off to the hospital, found no car parking spaces ( it’s amazing what stupid bits you remember) and had to walk almost a mile to the maternity wing.

After waiting an hour longer than the appointment time arranged, I finally got scanned, and that has to be the start of the most surreal and unreal times of my life thus far. The nurse doing the scan went quiet, left the room, and came back armed with another nurse, who double checked with a second scan, I was then asked to wait again in the waiting room WITH ALL THE HAPPILY PREGNANT WOMEN, for I think, about half an hour, and god that seemed to be the LONGEST half hour, I think I knew sort of by then as I had the receptionist provide me with two glasses of water, one quite hot and one almost freezing, in the hopes of “waking” movement of the baby. He HAD moved plenty that morning before the hospital visit, and I knew he often reacted to sudden temperature changes.

Eventually, after what seemed like a lifetime, I got ushered into a room with lots of doctors, nurses, etc, around 7 peeps all told, to be told that they thought my baby had died.

My reaction at this point was to leave the room shaking my head, muttering that they were wrong, and went home in a very strange dazed state……………..

R.I.P My Beautiful Little Man Andre – Pt 1

   Prelude     Part 2      Part 3     Part 4     Part 5

The hardest piece of writing I have ever had to face………..

WARNING, PLEASE DO NOT READ THESE POSTS IF YOU ARE CURRENTLY PREGNANT, AND IF SO, MAY I WISH YOU ALL SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS

 This is a prelude to a little mini series of posts about my experience of childbirth and loss, those of you who are as good as I am at putting off jobs you sort of do and don’t want to do will fully understand this prelude…this means I actually HAVE to finish it!

It is almost finished in truth, just needs a few re-reads and tidying up to try to fully do it justice, it is something I have been wanting to do for some time now, BUT……..

 Apparently, this situation is extremely rare, so please please don’t get upset or fret over these posts!

 I have been trying to find the right words for this post for quite some time now, and to date have failed miserably.

It has been something of a huge decision as to whether I should publicly share this or not, I have decided to do so to the best of my ability for several reasons, not in the least to preserve the memory of my lost son, which seems to be such a taboo subject amongst family and friends, and also to try to help myself get past this, as I have been operating pretty much in a “robotic” state since this occurred.

If reading these helps just one other person in a similar situation then that will be a positive outcome, if nothing else it will take a great weight from my mind cos NO-ONE wants to talk about it!

This is MY blog and I’ll write and cry if I want to!